I am so in love with you

Four years came down to one moment…Sr. Helen called my name, Bianca Nicolette Smith.  I have no idea what I was expecting, how could there have been more, for four years I’ve been workings towards that diploma and with that piece of paper I was done.  No longer was I a polyester princess, walking the long halls of Lucy’s, no longer was I an “L” girl.  It was all done, in a matter of seconds, I was finished.  It didn’t hit me until now, my uniform still hangs in my closet, no longer will it be worn, I have a bucket of memories, my diploma, my gown is still hung up…my cap on display.  My ring is stored away now, because I do not belong to Lucy’s.  Sunday was the last day I would be with the entire class of 2008 and there are some things I still regret, my parents rushed me out…I couldn’t take pictures with anyone, I didn’t fully appreciate the moment, my very last moment.  Here I am, missing everyone, browsing through profiles of girls I know I’ll never see, thinking of people whose voices I will never hear again and finally I’ve come to realize that it’s all over.  My high school years are done, those four years that everyone talks about, it’s all through and now I find myself lost.  Who can I talk to?  It’s only been a day and yet I know we are already in separate directions.  How can I write something to vouch for four years of growth, joy, tears, four years of everything.  How can that piece of paper speak the volumes that I’ve experienced?  I don’t know, for some reason it doesn’t seem right.  We have paid our tributes, but our tributes aren’t enough.  In the blink of an eye it all went away, and in a blink of an eye I want it back.  The part that hurts the most is that I have to let it all go, although in my heart I’m finding it extremely difficult.  I miss those halls, I miss those stairs, I miss those memories, and I miss all those girls…

the world is our home
the people, our brothers and sisters
what is this fighting?
why is it happening?
why are we having such a hard time working toward the kingdom of heaven?

who can give me answers?

all of us have destinies we must fulfill
and off of us have our own roads to take
though the road is our own, we are never truly alone
we have people who love us, who want to see us grow
there are people who'll help us along the way
but only you can walk your path
no one can fulfill what you are meant to fulfill
God entrusted your plan only to you
No one can come close to ever being you

So for drama we had to choose from a packet of monologues to recite.  Of course, a lot of girls were intending to recite a funny one and I admit that I was one of them.  My eyes fell upon a monologue entitled The Diary of Anne Frank and I was intrigued so I decided to choose between that and another one entitled The Fastest Clock in the Universe (I might make an entry about that one later on).  When we finally received our copies I reread both monologues, others who read it and myself thought that it had a beautiful simplicity to it.  The words are simple and small and I fell in love with them.  You may think whatever you want of it, beautiful, inspiring, corny, cheesy, or just frankly not care about it.  I just felt the need to share it with you and offer my opinions on it.

It is from a play adaptation from the famous Diary of Anne Frank which is the diary of a young woman hiding with her family, the Van Daans, and Dr. Dussel during the Holocaust.   Anne is a 15-year-old girl who has grown physically, emotionally, spirituality, and maturity.  She is comforting Peter, a 17-year-old who is quiet and unhappy.  This is the last time they are together because in the next scene they are taken away by the Nazis.

Look Peter, the sky.  What a lovely, lovely day!  Aren't the clouds beautiful?
You know what I do when it seems as if I couldn't stand being cooped up for one more minute?
I think myself out.  I think myself on a walk in the park where I used to go with Pim.
Where the jonquils and the crocus and the violets grow down the slopes.
You know the most wonderful thing about thinking yourself out?
You can have it any way you like.  
You can have roses and violets and chrysanthemums all blooming at the same time...
it's funny...I used to take it all for granted...and now I've gone crazy about
everything to do with nature.  Haven't you?

I wish you had a religion, Peter.

Oh, I don't mean you have to be Orthodox
or believe in heaven and hell and purgatory and things...I just mean
some religion...it doesn't matter what.  Just to believe in something!  When I think
of all that's out there...the trees...and flowers...and seagulls...
When I think of the dearness of you, Peter...and the goodness of the people we know...
Mr. Kraler, Miep, Dirk, the vegetable man, all risking their lives for us every day...When I
think of these good things, I'm not afraid any more...I find myself,
and God, and I...

We're not the only people that've had to suffer...There've always been people
that've had to...sometimes one race...sometimes another...and yet...
I know it's terrible, trying to have any faith...when people are doing
such horrible...but you know what I sometimes
think?  I think the world may be going through a phase, 
the way I was with Mother, It'll pass, maybe not for hundreds of years, but some day...
I still believe, in spite of everthing, that people are really good at heart.
Peter, if you'd only look at it as part of a great pattern...
that we're just a little minute in life...
Listen to us, going at each other like a couple of stupid grownups!
Look at the sky now, isn't it lovely?

I know this may not even mean anything to you, but if you read and think about it, you'll see what I mean.  No matter what she has gone through she still has faith and love for humanity, even towards the people she is hiding from.  Everyone will have to suffer sometime during their life.  Our world will continue to wage war people will continue to hurt.  But maybe someday there will be peace.  Isn't that so amazing to imagine?  What if someday enemies would come to love each other.  All of us hear the words "world peace"  but if we actually achieve it just imagine how beautiful everything will be.  No more war, no more fighting, no more tears.  

Just think how Anne was a young girl around our age but how her life made such an impact on all of us.  How for years people young and old have read and heard her story and taken it to heart.  Yes, all of us are a minute in life but that one minute we have can last through so many years.  What if you could make an impact like that?  What would you choose to do with your life?  Every life is a valuable as the next.  Even if we think ourselves so insignificant when really, we have the power to change the world.  Just think of the affect you can have on people and who you eventually be.  As humans, all of us our linked, as humans all of us were made in the image and likeness of God.  He does not make anything useless, no matter who we are every life has a purpose that we need to fulfill.  But the question is...are you going to fulfill it?  It is our choices that make us.  Become who you were born to be.

Haven't you ever looked back on the past and realize that you miss it?  Even after convincing myself how much better off I am now, it all still lingers in the back of my mind.  I miss only having 36 first and last names to remember.  I miss when it was so small that i could tell who wrote a paper out of an entire class by just looking at the handwriting.  I miss the little things, from the pizzas on Thursdays to our Jog-A-Thon every spring.  I know it seems like something so random that I just come out of blue with all this but you see, I've been thinking about it lately.  Everything in life changes and there's no way that we can ever go back.  I can never return to those kids i used to see every day, and to whom I shared that connection with.  It's just realizing how fast the little time we have makes me even more sure of not wasting these precious moments.  Cherish everyone and everything as if it was your last time to hold it, because, like glass, in a split second it can shatter into a million pieces and will never be the same no matter how much glue you attempt to use to piece it back together.  So as a friend sharing this moment of your life with you, I'm glad if I can touch your heart in any way, big or small and I pray that it is for the better.  Our lifetime is only a blink in history so don't even dare to waste any part of the millisecond you have because it's all we have to show to God.

ok...i've just been having such an amazing feeling inside of me.  it's just this warmth that has been consuming me.  so...all of you know how i've felt these past couple of weeks or months but it's completely turning out right for me now.  i've gone through this sudden change and i'm on a natural high, and i know that everything that happens in life happens for a reason and God always answers prayers, especially when you least expect it.  when did this start for me?  well just last week actually, something came over me and also the video in religion and especially the retreat catapulted me into this feeling of inner peace. 

i now feel this confidence in myself that i never really knew i had and it's in so many aspects of my life, and i have this feeling like..i know i can do whatever i set my mind to, and no matter what i feel i know i'm never alone my family and friends will always be there for me, and if ever i feel truly deserted i know that God is always with me.  He will always be there to carry you.  God is your daddy and He will never stop loving you and he will never abandon you.

i am at a point in my life where my faith is so strong and i believe anything can happen and i know that i can truly find myself while in this state.  and while i've been on this sudden path of self-discovery and i have come to love myself and i am not afraid to say this...because the only way you can truly love others is if you love yourself. 

i know what i need and what i don't need...i mean you think that me, being out without my cell, laptop, ipod..i wouldn't survive right? well...i don't need any of those, all i need is God and really that's what i want in my life at the moment, and i've realized that only God can give me what i'm feeling

ok now...to break things down:

God- He's all i truly need, i surrender myself to Him

myself- i feel so blessed, and i'm just happy that i've learned so much about myself

family- the tension i felt with my parents is leaving..and i've been talking to the a lot lately, and i love it

friends- i love all of them, they are all amazing in their own unique ways, and i do see God in all of them

school- i've been pulling myself up and putting so much effort into it, just keeping my priorities straight

social life- i love having fun, but i need to remember to put that aside to strive to do my best

relationships- they're fun, but i just don't need it and it's no longer because i'm afraid of getting hurt, it's that i need to keep being true to myself and have strength...i want to remain single because it just seems right for me right now, i mean, it's hard to explain...but i feel happy just knowing that when i do find myself feeling that it's the right time in my heart and mind, it'll be special...because i need more then smarts in a relationship..but i need wisdom

on chastity- that video in religion has provided reassurance for me, i am worth waiting for and eventually i will find someone and i will not have sex until marriage, and i will someday marry a man until then, i will buy a white candle and on my wedding day...he will light it for me

so...i just love the way everything has fallen into place for me and i pray that all of you someday feel the indescribable feeling that has filled me

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths."

Proverbs ; 5-6

have u ever gotten that feeling when u suddenly just feel lonely? i mean....you're surrounded by people but yet you feel you're not.  for some reason i've just have felt loney, even sad lately and all this time i've been sitting around idle and alone, i've just had time to think.  i know how i always go around saying how chris is a jerk and stuff but really...what if i completely screwed up a friendship of five that was so good?  what if it was my fault? was it me being selfish when i decided to get involved with him.  if i had turned him down like i did matt, maybe tomorrow the five of us would've been going out tomorrow, i guess i just miss the way things used to be and it's silly of me because i know that we grow up and everything changes, hah i guess i'm still searching for neverland...i want the innocence of everything back and i feel sad knowing that it will never return

and on top of that, i'm feeling that i just can't seem to open up like i used to...i've gotten kind of cold in a way, i feel like the girl who will stay at a distance and will remain loved at a distance without getting really close with anyone, for fear of being lied to, turned down, ignored, just being stabbed.  and i have a lot of oppurtunities open to me...but i won't take any of them, i guess that's good but i don't want the feeling that i'm leading people on, so i don't really open up and i want to, but i can't seem to trust like i used to, i'm just living with that fear inside of me

gosh...this doesn't even feel like me typing...don't i always seem like the girl u can never get down? well really...these feelings have been in the back of my mind and are just emerging, and really i don't quite know how to channel them, and i can't necessary tell people, but i can only write them...that makes sense right? haha and it's not like anyone feels like reading this long thing i'm writing, but i just need to get things out of me, outpouring of soul...i guess that's what i'm doing...and the great thing is that i trust all of you and i know all of you are just there for me but iono u don't even really need to respond to this...i mean how would you respond to me all of a sudden just having really bad mood swings and just feeling lonely and sad?

well..nothing really makes sense anymore

ok..run-down of my thanksgiving break^_^  wednesday was fun, i got to see Harry Potter with Jen, Matt, Cyndy, and Jackie(dha pinsan^_^)  it was really really good the movies just keep getting better but dayum, i never knew Myrtle rolled that way...poor Harry.  and ya i saw Deejay there too...but it was cool spending time with my friends. 

Thursday was OF COURSE Thanksgiving, I spent it with the Smiths and got caught up with a lot of family members..it was really nice

Friday..hmmm lesse went to look at cars, the new Honda Civic is AWESOME by the way and I might get my car by March, it's between the Mazda 3 or the Honda Civic, i slept over at my friend Dani's house in Torrance with Holly, I met them both in DC when i was in 8th grade and i haven't seem them since then it was great getting reunited with them

Saturday i went to DISNEYLAND with Dani, Holly, Meagan (Dani's friend from school), Mike (Dani's brother), and Todd (Mike's friend), Dani's parents, and Holly's dad, it was AWESOME it was sooooooooooooo pretty over there we had a BLAST ok and ya we spent 16 HOURS at Disneyland we were exhausted and Dani, Holly, Meagan, and I got stuck on three rides, Space Mountain (haha that was so cool), Buzz Lightyear one, and It's a Small World haha it was funny!  I ate like a PIG, hemhem, churros, popcorn, cotton candy, kabobs, pretzels, ice cream, lemonade, fanta slushy, lasagna, vegies..lol ok i ate ya^_^, the only real downside for me was that there were sooooooo many couples there and it was soooooo cold and i was like damn, not one to hold me....then we got home like around one and all of us conked out....dad picked me this morning and i drove back from Torrance ha..GREAT WEEKEND FOOLS

and next week..BOSCO DANCE..week after BDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow!  Confirmation was really interesting today^_^ i payed attention and this is what i learned...

God is King of kings, he created us, making all women princesses, as princesses our tiaras have jewels, but everytime we commit any act that brings us down, we lose a gem from out tiara.  men and women are created so differently, but the way we are created fits...men are persuers, women like being pursued, men like visual, God made women to be beautifu, women love to be loved and men are made to love women. l^_^ do you see what i am saying?  God made men and women so different so that we are perfect together

our bodies are our temples and should be treated as such, do not let anyone make you think otherwise...we are God's daughters, the princesses of the world and in time we will become someone's queen, but we need to love ourselves before we can fully love another.  remember the Beatitudes?  well, those apply not only to how we love others, but to how we love ourselves.  do not let yourself become anyone's trash because no matter who you are, you are royalty and should be treated as such^_^

since we are princesses...naturally we are looking for a prince in shining armor, which is what men are expected to be.  obviously, many sure do not act in such way, i'm sure anyone can give an example...but we need to show them that we are more the just a body to look at.  we need to prove the true beauty that lies within us.  how can we do that?  well, show them by maintaining your image, your purity, your tiara...remain chaste.  remember, boys are always looking for something easy, but men pursue a women who can express the love conveyes in beatitudes.  they want a princess who they can make their queen

only when we are married we are truly ready to give ourselves up...don't you think it would be best to lose your virginity to someone whom you are sure loves you as much as you love them.  it creates a bond between husband and wife, from that bond a child is born...a prince or princess, wait for the right time to give everything up, because sex is intended only for the situation of being married

i have always believed this, but my class today only made me more certain of my morals

hmm...today was kinda weird..for some reason by the end of the day i didn't feel so hyper and happy as i usually am.  i was gloomy for no reason i could think of.  anyway, writing is wonderful and i bought a new journal on friday too!  hmm..what do i write about?  things that just go through my head, letters to people that will never be sent, songs, poems, if you don't have a personal journal, i recommend it.  i don't even know why i decided to write something at this moment, i just decided i have to. 

you guys are right, livejournal is great.  right now i'm just dwelling on my thoughts, trying to reason with myself which can at times be harder than it would seem.  but i've determined that silence is good for me, so long as it doesn't scare me, and you know silence can scare you.  but...i just want all of you to know how thankful i am to have all of you

well...something concerning relationships with other people:

people have different views when it comes to relationships, but first off, what is the definition of a relationship?  Well, I went on dictionary.com to look it up:

1. The condition or fact of being related; connection or association.
2. Connection by blood or marriage; kinship.
3. A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other: has a close relationship with his siblings.
4. A romantic or sexual involvement

now, i'm not quite sure where I'm going with this but I decided to make an update about relationship being as how all of you know my status on myspace has switched from "in a relationship" to "single" back to "in a relationship" and now, "swinger." ok, well technically i'm not the type to be called a "swinger" but here is my reasoning on it.  I know I am not the girl to play a guy or who switches so easily between guys, well i know i wasn't...but know i'm letting you know what's going on inside this brain.  Truth is, I'm tired of being put down whenever a guy decides i was last week's flavor, so if I put my status down as swinger then I can at least slightly fool myself into thinking that guys can't hurt me, which is true, my heart is still going to break hard over the course of my life but now I can be smarter.  I won't fall so hard and fast, and I won't let a guy take advantage of me during a time of need...ya fatal flaw i have, i trust way too easily...and i fall for meaningless words and fake forevers but I know i'm better than that...

ok, here goes the first definition of a relationship is the condition of being connected to a person, in such case, all of us are in some kind of relationship, this one is easy enough, we merely have to know a person to be in this relationship and let's admit the next two are easy and are generally not what causes tears and a broken heart soo...

#4...uh-oh- A romantic or sexual involvement, well I know about the romantic part but not the sexual part believe me..but anyway, hmm romantic involvement, who doesn't love the feeling?  You act like you're on a natural high, well u remember how i was right? letters...singing...phone calls, you get the idea..bascially you tend to get blinded by these emotions and hang out on cloud nine for a while..but you need to get grounded for this kind of relationship to last...and then you'll start to see the signs of true unconditional love, I've seen this kind of love in my friends, but i'm not sure about romatic-type relationship, pretty much I still have a lot more to learn

gosh...i love being able to blog, it's nice to be able to write your thoughts down...

and if your into poetry, click on the URL i left